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December 2005
The Toast: A Special Form of Communication
One of the best ways to incorporate positive communication in any celebration is to toast the occasion, person, or people involved. The holiday season is an appropriate time to toast the special day, the new year, or the end of a successful year.
A toast is a way to celebrate an important event or person with words, and it's an ancient custom. The practice of giving and receiving toasts was common among the Hebrews in Old Testament times. The word "toast" for this practice originated with the Romans, who browned their coarse bread in a fire. When the bread became too hard to chew, they soaked it in wine. The meaning of "toast" expanded to include the drink in which the bread had been soaked and then the person in whose honor the drink was consumed.
An effective toast gets quickly to the point. Brevity, conciseness, and directness are critical. If you take more than two minutes you have gone on too long. Prepare your toast carefully—you may even want to script it out. If you read it, however, practice so you don't appear to be stuck to your script. Think carefully about your opening, "I propose a toast to Tom to celebrate his retirement." Although you may examine classic toasts, put your own thoughts into the content of of your material. Combine your thoughts with a line from Robert Lewis Stevenson, for example "That man is a success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much."
Consider the context of the toast. Is it easy for everyone to stand? Will it be awkward to interrupt people from eating or talking to conduct the toast? Seek to arrange people and surroundings so that the toast is a natural continuation of the festivities.
Always have clearly in mind the name of the person or people you are toasting. Create a flourish as you end. You want people to know when you have finished. Raise your glass at the end of your toast, "clink" with a partner, and take a sip.
Look for reasons to propose a toast. There is not a better way of affirming a person and showing appreciation than the toast. So at the next special event, whether it is a promotion, a birthday, an anniversary, a holiday, or beautiful night or day, plan a toast. A toast well-prepared and carefully planned can be the climax of a fun and memorable event.
Communicating in Conflict
Conflict is a disagreement with someone. Communicating in conflict is seen as a negative part of relating to people. But whether it is good or bad all depends on how conflict is handled. Conflict can be unsettling and unpredictable and cause people to react in a defensive manner. But if you learn another point of view in the process, and both people come out of the discussion with new and useful information, then certainly conflict can be viewed in a positive way. Here are some suggestions on how to handle conflict positively.
Seek to focus on the problem and not on the person. If you resort to name-calling or other derogatory remarks about the other person, you need to stop and have a cooling-off period. Try to keep emotion out of the discussion. When emotions are high, communication is low. In addition, when there is a deep respect for each other and a positive relationship before the conflict, the issue can usually be settled in a very civilized and mutually beneficial manner. That is one reason why you want to develop positive relations with people.
When in conflict, don't say, "You are wrong." This will immediately put the other person on the defensive—even if he or she is wrong.
Don't interrupt the other person. This will at the least anger the person and cause unnecessary additional conflict because of the interruption.
Don't raise your voice. Try to keep a calm manner to your speech and nonverbal actions. If anything, lower your voice or speak more softly.
Finally, do not make the other person look bad. You might even want to tell the person in private the error of his or her ways so that the individual will save face in front of peers.
If in the course of the disagreement, you discover that you are wrong or the discussion centers around an error you made, then immediately apologize. Ask for facts and listen to the answers you receive. Accept responsibility and promise specific steps to help correct the situation.
Finally, listen for something you can agree with. When that occurs, stress the area where you agree and then move to the area where you are in conflict. Once you reach an impasse again, then move back to where you agree and follow the procedure. Ideally, you will eventually resolve the conflict to both your and the other person's satisfaction.
In the words of Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words." This can even be true with conflict if you respond to conflict in the ways suggested here.
©2005 Stephen D. Boyd, Ph.D., CSP
About the Author
 Stephen D. Boyd, Ph.D., CSP, is a professor of speech communication at Northern Kentucky University in Highland Heights, Kentucky. He works with organizations that want to speak and listen more effectively to increase personal and professional performance. He can be reached at 800-727-6520 or visit sboyd.com for valuable articles and resources to improve your communication skills
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