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A Quick Way to Manifest Concern for the Talker
When people talk to you, a quick way to establish credibility and let them
know you really want to listen to them is to give a statement of empathy
first. Before you disagree or give advice, make sure you understand the
problem they are sharing.
Empathy is putting yourself in the other person’s shoes but with emotional
separateness. You want to keep an emotional distance so that you can respond
with objectivity. Thus the first response or feedback to a person’s problem or
concern is a statement of empathy.
Possible empathetic statements include: "I can only imagine how you feel,"
"That has to be frustrating," "I can tell you have had a rough day," "That
must have made you feel angry," "I know how important that was to you," "It
hurts to feel unappreciated," or "You seem really happy about that."
Do not say, "I know exactly how you feel." There is a human resistance to that
statement. When faced with a problem or concern, people feel that no one has
had exactly the same experience that they have had.
Most likely you are not a psychologist so you are not there to be their
counselor but rather a person to listen and respond neutrally. They may want
to talk out the problem or to seek answers or advice. Once you have given the
statement of empathy, then proceed with making sure you understand the problem
and give advice if requested. If you are the manager or CEO, tell the person
what to do next.
Pause before giving your statement of empathy and show concern in your tone of
voice. Look directly at the person and lean forward to show nonverbal empathy
as well.
Generally, job responsibilities entail only a limited number of problems to
deal with on a daily basis. Thus after you have experience in listening to
people’s concerns, you can store up a number of empathy statements that fit
certain situations and use the appropriate one when that type of problem
presents itself.
The same principle is true in family relations. If you remember to offer an
empathy statement first, the remainder of the conversation will go much more
smoothly.
Resist giving advice or telling the person what to do before giving the
statement of empathy. Give the statement of empathy before ever giving advice
or instructions. This one sentence can be the determining factor in whether or
not the talker will respond to your feedback in a positive way.
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A Powerful
Persuasive Tool
You believe what you do for a career is important or you would
not have chosen it. Convincing the world that it has value is sometimes
another matter. When you are selling yourself to a client or to a superior,
one of the best ways to emphasize your assets is to use the testimony of an
individual or source the person respects.
Look for success stories related to your career which prove your service is of
value. Write down the key aspects of the story or quotation, or clip the
article and file it. Practice aloud how you might plug it in naturally to a
typical conversation
For example, I recently read an article in the Wall Street Journal about a
possible successor to Bill Marriott as CEO of Marriott International, Inc. A
very real possibility is his son John. A person outside the family is being
considered instead, however, and the article gives as the reason that John is
a terrible public speaker. After one major speech, an observer said, "…he
stumbled through the speech and left audience members talking afterward about
his awkward silences." In casual conversation recently I have been able to
show the need for public speaking skills by referring to this article.
On the positive side, Jack Welch in his recent autobiography tells about the
importance of his speeches to General Electric employees when he first became
CEO. He would tell success stories of various divisions of the company. And
then "…for the next 20 years, I used that same story-telling technique to get
ideas transferred across the company." You can imagine how often I refer to
his testimony when the subject of public speaking is mentioned.
The key is always to be looking for these relevant references. When you find
an example, immediately write it down or clip and file. Don’t think that
you’ll remember it or find the article later because you probably won’t.
In a speech or a conversation there is not a better motivating factor than to
be able to use other respected companies, people, or groups to show the need
for or success of what you do for a living. This is doubly true if you are new
to your career and have no success stories of your own. Borrow other people’s
successes with this approach.
Your own success stories are persuasive. But telling of others who have used
the type of service or skills you provide can multiply your persuasive skills.
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©2005 Feel
free to share this newsletter with anyone you know who speaks or simply wants to improve
communication skills. Please contact info@sboyd.com
for widespread distribution, such as in your company newsletter or e-zine.
If you use an article, we ask that you include the
following: Stephen
D. Boyd, Ph.D., CSP, is a professor of speech communication at
Northern Kentucky University in Highland Heights, Kentucky.
He works with organizations that want to speak and listen more
effectively to increase personal and professional performance.
He can be reached at 800-727-6520 or visit http://www.sboyd.com
for free articles and resources to improve your communication
skills.
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