When You Debate or Disagree

Presidential debates are on our minds. Who won? Who lost? Why did he lose or win? We are unlikely to be on television to debate or discuss issues that will change the world, but we all have situations where there is a debate of issues or opportunities to resolve conflict. Whether you are discussing a new proposal in your department or deciding where to spend Thanksgiving with your family, here are some ways to insure a positive outcome for you.

Listen throughout what the other person is saying. Often when we disagree we stop listening in the middle of the conversation to think of our argument to counteract what he or she is saying. Thus we may miss a key ingredient of the opposing position.

Look and sound pleasant. We all like a pleasant attitude and tone even in a possibly unpleasant discussion. You want to be polite and concerned about the other person. Even though you may disagree strongly, have a pleasant look. Don’t fold your arms and slouch, for this closes you off from the other person. Use gestures that are toward the speaker and keep an open posture. Keep that pleasant demeanor while the other person is talking, especially because others will be watching your reaction.

Seek more information. Before stating your case, get all the information you can. When the other person finishes speaking, pause and ask a follow-up question to the person’s point. An appropriate question on many issues might be, "What other variables might affect the choice we make?" Or "Why is that important to you?"

Find a point of agreement and start your discussion there. For example, all of you want to make a profit in the company or you all want to enjoy Thanksgiving with the family. Start with those affirmations and go from there. Even if you soon reach an impasse, when you go back to your point of agreement you will not go back as far as you did the first time. By going back to your point of agreement, you will be more likely to keep discussing the issues rather than creating a sharp division.

Don’t be afraid of debating or disagreeing. These communication situations can be productive and you will learn new and perhaps better solutions to problems because of your discussions.

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Moving Beyond Novice

At what point do you go from being a novice speaker to an experienced and effective speaker? One does not simply arrive at that point because he or she has spoken a magical number of times. To have delivered fifty speeches does not necessarily mean you have become an effective speaker. I think there is one major criterion for getting to that point:  when you are more audience-centered than self-centered.

In your early speeches, your main goal was probably to get through the speech without passing out. Then you began somewhat to enjoy the adrenalin rush as you went to the front of the room to speak. Next you relied less on your notes and had more eye contact with your audience.

But you really reach the effective speaker range when in each presentation your major concern is your audience. Will they understand? Is this material that will help them improve or be persuaded? What questions will they want answered? Which terms need to be defined and explained as I speak? What will they do as a result of my presentation? How can I deliver this material to keep them engaged throughout the presentation? How much evidence will I need to convince the people in this audience?

Even if your speeches are similar, each presentation is different because each audience is different. Your major concern is to influence that specific audience. You consistently make sure that you have content to fit the situation of each new audience.

Sometimes you need a break from delivering speeches or you need to include new material in the presentation. You can recognize this when your thoughts are about getting through the material and how boring it is to deliver this report for the tenth time. Your thoughts have again become self-centered.

As you go about preparing and delivering speeches, remember this important consideration: be audience-centered, not self-centered, when you speak.

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